Why You Need to Have That
Conversation
- and How To Do It!
What is a 'Courageous Conversation' (CC)?
A CC is the one you don't want to have. In fact,
the best CC for you is probably the one you haven't
even thought of having.
Take a minute now - what's the hardest conversation
you can imagine having? And with whom? What is
it you're holding back? When you've got it....keep
reading....
It's also a conversation that can transform your
relationships, and set you free.
OK - But Give Me Examples...
- "I've hated you for leaving me"
- "I'm angry at how you treat your children"
- "I stole $2,000 from you 20 years ago"
- "I'm in the country illegally, and would
like to apply for legal residency"
- "We've never said 'I love you' in our
family, and I love you"
- "Will you marry me?"
- "I'm not enjoying our sex life"
- "I had an affair five years ago"
- "I really gave you a hard time at school/that
old job - and I'm sorry"
- "I should have told you I have an STD
before we had sex"
- "I'm in love with you, and am scared
of threatening your marriage, but more afraid
of hearing you don't love me"
- "I'd like to feel acknowledged for all
the hard work I do"
- "I know I abused you sexually, and I
apologise from the bottom of my heart"
- "I love you so much it scares me. And...I
think your ears are really big and can't stop
thinking about them"
How Do I Know I Need One?
Well - are ALL your relationships great? With
your partner? Your family? Your boss and staff?
If they are anything less than wonderful, chances
are you have something 'withheld' - that once
expressed could set you both free.
Or you may have some far more obvious clues:
- you're angry at someone
- you're avoiding someone
- you're embarrassed or ashamed of something
- you feel guilty or incomplete about something
- you're scared something will be found out
one day
- you're scared of their reaction
- you're worried about the consequences of the
conversation
- when you imagine the conversation, you feel
uncomfortable.
And the best clue of all: You probably don't
want to have the conversation!
This is a sure sign that your system is avoiding
something.
In a nutshell - you probably haven't had the
CC yet because you're afraid of the outcome; that
you'll lose something or feel VERY uncomfortable.
Another great clue is that it's been more than
a year, maybe even TEN YEARS, and it still comes
up in your mind every now and then, or now while
you're reading this site.
Why Should I Have This Courageous Conversation?
Shouldn't it be buried? Isn't the past just the
past?
The answer is - if you have absolutely no charge
on it - if it doesn't come to your mind when you
sit down to think about it - then it may be unimportant.
But if you feel any stored guilt, any anger,
any sadness, any love - in fact anything that
is unexpressed - then better out than in.
The CC's (Courageous Conversations) show us where
our barriers are - where we're most scared. Now
if you want to live your life in the sandbox of
your comfort zone...well...you're on the wrong
newsletter list ;-)
But if you're committed to constantly pushing
back your boundaries - breaking through barriers
to feel new realms of joyous flowing self expression
- to live a life without fear - then have the
conversation.
Other benefits include increasing your 'vibration'
so others want to be around you, getting more
deeply related to the person you're having the
conversation with, and setting an example for
others.
The Effect On Others...
It's also amazing the effect it can have on the
other person. My brother called an old girlfriend
to say "I've been thinking about how I broke
up with you, and I want you to know it wasn't
your fault". Turns out she'd had several
guys in a row break up with her, and it meant
the world to her to hear this. My brother - the
penniless student - got off the phone and said
to me: "That experience was worth $5,000
to me".
Some people justify not having the conversation
by saying "I'll just move on", or "It's
enough that I know about it", or "It
might upset them". In my experience, having
the conversation in your head isn't enough (unless
they have died). It's in the speaking it to them
that transformation occurs for both of you.
And another benefit: Imagine how fearless they
might be once they've seen you set an example.
Your courage can ripple out and change the
world. I've had people say: "You know,
after you called me, I started thinking. And I
picked up the phone and called..."
The Risk
Now I'm not guaranteeing you or they will like
the results. In MY experience, and in the experience
of my clients, the outcome has ALMOST ALWAYS been
positive in some way. However, the outcome may
be even worse than you feared. And if it is, I
say that's the outcome that was meant to happen
- and you had been distorting it/avoiding it by
holding back. Time to trust and let the
universe flow where it will...
Perhaps this is a good time to say having Courageous
Conversations can lead to bankruptcy, prison,
death, or even worse. The spiritual warrior realises
this, puts truth and love above all outcomes,
and takes what he or she gets with grace. As always,
you're fully responsible for any actions you take
as a result of reading this newsletter. In fact,
that's kind of the point!
If having this conversation could have legal
or medical consequences, I recommend consulting
a lawyer, doctor or other appropriate professional
first so you know what you are dealing with.
Couldn't It Hurt Them?
It's true you have a responsibility to speak
with compassion, and to speak responsibly. i.e.
Take responsibility as much as you can for what
you have done, and avoid blaming.
It's also true that no matter how compassionately
or gently you share the truth - the other person
may feel pain. And again, I say that's not necessarily
a bad thing - maybe that's what is meant to happen.
Plus - in my experience, it usually does more
good than harm.
It's important to note that it's very common
to use 'It might upset them' as an excuse for
wimping out.
If you truly believe they may be damaged in some
way by this conversation, please work with a coach
or get the advice of a trained professional to
ensure your wording is responsible - this can
make a huge difference.
Hint: If you're still blaming or judging
them in any way - work with a coach to get over
it first!
7 Steps to Having That Courageous Conversation
Step 1) Choose someone you don't feel
100% wonderful or complete with, but would like
to.
Step 2) Identify the truth/core of what
you want to express. If you were to die today,
but could pass a message to each person you know
to clean up anything left incomplete, what would
that message be? I suggest you list the people
you have the strongest feelings about (positive
or negative), and write down next to each name
the message for them. (Working with a coach can
help you get to the core of this, and ensure you
are taking responsibility instead of blaming.)
Step 3) Identify the worst outcome
you can imagine
Step 4) Accept that possibility (Let go
of the thing you were holding on to e.g. money,
being right, staying out of prison, not upsetting
someone)
Step 5) Remember it's OK to feel uncomfortable
- even terrified. Your vocal chords will probably
still function. The greater the fear, the more
you have to gain. The chances of you dying are
normally quite low.
Step 6) Remember it's actually possible
to have fun with this. After all - it's better
than any rollercoaster you can imagine. You are
truly living....
Step 7) Pick up the phone, share honestly,
and take what you get!
* * *
Free Coaching and Advice
You can read about other people's Courageous
Conversations in the discussion
board.
For tailored advice to your situation, post your
specific issue so site visitors can help you.
Check the box to 'notify me when someone replies'
and you'll get an email message when someone has
answered.
Post your issue and request advice here.
Post Your Story
Have you had a Courageous Conversation with a
good result? Either for you, for them, or others?
Post your success story here.
You might also enjoy my article on 'Skeleton's
In The Closet' at:
http://www.solutionbox.com/news/c24-skeletons.asp
Want to Hear Life Coaching On This?
Listen to me coach courageous people on having some
of the most difficult conversations of their lives.
Available at
www.CoachingClips.com
in the
General
Library 1 and
General
Library 2.
